people who i tend to care most about usually end up wanting to commit suicide.

it makes me wonder. is this what the world has to come to? it's just not right - that people have to be so selfish. my whole life i've tried my damn hardest to put others before myself. in some instances i have miserably failed, and i take things like that rather personally. i'm just the type who would give anything to please anybody. if i won the lottery today and got like, 50 million dollars, i would just give it away.

i try my hardest to be selfless, but it tends to get pretty hard when i have absolutely nothing to give.

just know that i want to make it better. believe in me. trust in me.

i just wish i was emotionally strong so that i could know all the right things to say. i used to be the mediator. then i fell into my ever-popular "hole", went on to meet my own mediator [and the best person in the world], and ended up realizing almost...my worthlessness. how can i preach if i don't believe? so now i just find myself sitting back and saying, "yeah, i understand. i've been there."

i really hate it.

i just want to help.

and that's why i rarely ask anyone to help me out. i've always been a rather independant person. my favorite phrase as a child was "i do it myself!" or "dad, i not 3!" [this began when i was 4, of course]. being babied is just really not the thing for me. i need people around me who will give me the space i need to just be strong and be myself.

i don't really have that right now.

oh yeah, and today is my mom's birthday.

and also, i've given up on dancing completely. i'm going to be a flight attendant.

rock &roll