usually i don't update this site and i am sorry. i mainly started this one so that i could mend my broken heart in peace and silence. and then everyone found out about this diary also. so i just quit altogether, unless if i have something really important to talk about.

well, this is really important and it has really been getting to me for a while, especially lately. and this thing is called "sometimes i want to kill all of the officers." GOD. i really don't know how much more of this i can take. let's see how many reasons i can list about why...

1. i feel like a bad officer. this probably has a lot to do with my depression i had for a while. i stopped caring about everything, and in doing that i lost everything. i just stopped giving any effort and i slowly found the rest of the girls taking over my position. it really irritated me, and it still does. i dont even feel like an officer anymore. it's like, i don't belong there or something. with them, i am expected to be perfect. you know...they're all so pretty and wonderful dancers and popular and have like 20 thousand friends. which leads me to my next point.

2. i feel like a bad dancer. this i an all of a sudden type thing. i've always had maybe a little too much confidence since i joined belles, but compared to the rest of these girls, i just want to sit down and cry. it's like...damn. i suck. and i will never be as good as the rest of them. it really sucks being the worst. and then that really upsets me too because i want to make a career out of dancing, but how can i do it if 5 other girls in this shitty small town can beat me out?

3. last year everyone knew me as a great choreographer. now its like i throw out ideas and they just forget about it. and so i hardly even say anything at all. last year one of the girls made up all of our dances practically by herself and we hated that and wanted to work as a group. this year they all say "yay, we're working as a group!", but you know what? we aren't. and it pisses me off SO BAD.

you know, i like things to be blunt and every single one of them focus on details and all of these minor problems. i just don't have the patience for it. and so now i'm to the point where i just say "fine, take my position and my responsibilities if you want it so bad. make up our whole dance and just tell me where to go. just tell me everything i need to do and LEAVE E THE FUCK ALONE."

i am so pissed off right now. it's PMS. yeah, thats right, blame it on the situation. the stupid fucking situation.

okay. i'm in the mood to cut now. THANKS diary! you're a real friend.

and you know what, fuck you.

UGHHH.

rock &roll