the sky was black, the rain was falling, the windsheild wipers were grazing back and forth in front of me.

i was listening to a song that reminds me of him. it's about the digression of a relationship, and how everything starts out so perfect, and by then end everything is gone and it's like time just slipped right out of your hands.

on my solemn drive home, i couldn't help but cry. i miss him. i want so badly to be able to start over. to get those feelings again. to be able to be happy. i spent the best days of my life with that boy.

it seems like everyone else has royally screwed me over. sometimes i feel like i will get nowhere in life. i just spent a fabulous weekend in dallas, and i was so excited about seeing TCU and thinking that i couldn't wait to get out of here and spend my college life there, 5 hours away from this hell hole. i was infinite the whole weekend, and the second i set foot in this town, i wanted to die all over again.

i cried on my way home today. i surprised myself a lot by it. i didn't think i remembered how to cry, i couldn't tell you the last time i did. i began to feel horribly weak, and so i decided to suck up. all i wanted to do was go home and cut. an act of bravery.

but anyway, i only cried for about 2 seconds. i don't even recall one tear streaming down my face like a fancy, flowing river. all i saw was the black night sky. the rain on my window. the images of blood running from the razor.

satisfaction. i have never been this low.

rock &roll