yeah so, i took some tests online to see about that whole depression thing. everyone of them said the same thing, that i show signs of clinical depression, and that a should see a doctor as soon as possible.

that really freaks me out. and as much as i would love to be fixed, i'm not going to any doctor. and there is absolutely no one that i could go to, besides my friends, who probably wouldn't take me seriously anyway, seeing as how i wouldn't want to actually open up to them and tell them exactly how i am feeling.

and even if they did know, they wouldn't know what to do about it either, i'm sure. so basically i am just screwed, and sometimes i would rather just die.

sometimes i wake up in the morning and i just can't remember what exactly i'm waking up for. the future seems faded. i use to have such a perfect picture, complete with a sparkly twilight and ballet slippers on a rainbow. and now i can't see anything except rain. i don't know when this all began. i don't know why i'm here. and i don't what's keeping me going. i really can't see any joy in my life anymore. i don't enjoy doing anything at all. school is hell, dancing is hell, relationships are hell, even just laying on my bed in complete silence is hell for me because my mind begins to race, and i can't seem to think about one good thing.

today in practice i was doing our little high kick dance and i just kept praying that my legs would break beneath me so that i wouldn't have to do this anymore. i've never had a thought like that before. it's creepy.

i don't know why i'm doing this, it all feels like such a lie. i don't know who i am anymore, or what i want to do with my lfe, besides end it [which is not an option because i think suicide is selfish]. i just keeping hoping that things will get better, but then i remember that the last time i kept hoping, it got me absolutely nowhere.

i have learned to expect nothing, and i think that is what's deteriorating my faith. i used to be such a church-y girl. i have completely lost my faith, i think. i just can't feel it. and i know that it's dumb of me to do that, but i just can't help it. things keep disappearing beyond my reach because i find it really hard to care anymore. and so then i hope i don't die soon, because i really don't want to go to hell.

i feel bad for everything i've done wrong and nobody can ever seem to make me feel better. the smiles people see from me are only in their imaginations, because inside, i don't feel anything at all.

last night i was watching an old video of my friend. she was imitating me, saying "my name is miranda, the world is my playground. i like sunshine and pansies. i would like to solve world hunger..", and i swear to you thats the way i used to be. i don't know what's changed. i hate it though, i hate it all.

rock &roll